I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
~Robert Benchley~
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More Clients from Hell
"I want a website that WOWs me. It should be better than NOKIA’s. My budget is $200."
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Client: Sorry, we don’t sign contracts for non-physical assets.
Guess I’ll just provide you “non-labor” then.
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I design and make custom dance outfits. One client, upon realising that I not only wanted to be paid for the materials but also insisted on being paid an hourly fee (as per the contract they had already signed) gave me some suspect career advice:
Client: You could waive that fee if your deadbeat husband just worked a little harder. Why should I pay you to do your hobby?
1. This is my actual job, not just a hobby. These costumes pay my bills.
2. I don’t have a husband.
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Client: Hey we moved to a new web host, but we want you to keep all the hard parts of the website running – we just won’t pay you for it.
Me: Uhh… Well, you were a long-time client so we can keep it up going for a short period until you can fully transition.
Six months go by…
Client: Hey can you make a few changes to the site?
Me: You mean the one I’m hosting for free while you “transition”?
Client: Yeah.
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Client: Will you be finishing up by Monday? I promise I will send you the full amount by next week.
How about I’ll be finished the moment you actually pay me?
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My classmates and I were approached by a client that wanted one of us to work for them over the summer.
Client: We won’t be able to pay you.
Me: Oh, you don’t have the money?
Client: We have the money. It just wouldn’t be ethical.
Me: …?
We didn’t get an explanation as to why, and even though we turned them down (obviously) now it keeps me up at night wondering what they meant.
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A past client reached out to me in relation to an ongoing copywriting project. The gig involved writing copy-perfect sales emails for clients on a weekly basis. I expressed an interest, and the client added me to their system.
Two days later I find my personal Facebook profile added to a group chat. The chat was discussing the naming surrounding a new brand.
I reached out to the client and asked for clarification.
Me: Why am I involved in the brand name here? This is a separate service worth $250 minimum. We’ve talked about emails, but nothing about concept generation or brand ideation.
Client: Well the other copywriters inside that group do that sh*t for free because they know they will get paid for life.
Client: Don’t worry about writing for any of my clients - anyone inside of my business aims to go above and beyond, that should be the mentality of anyone who represents us, it’s why we are growing so fast. We’re a half a million dollar company within the first 12 months, and we didn’t get here by having a scarcity mindset like that.
Client: thanks but we’ll go our seperate [sic] ways.
Client: PS because of that $250, you just lost potentially $20k+ a year
Me: …
For the record, this is the same “half a million dollar company” that tried to short out on a $900 invoice because they “just don’t have that kind of cash right now”.
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"Why, I’m not gonna pay you! You’re just a kid, it’s your passion! You don’t need money!"
— Some idiot who saw me drawing at a convention and wanted me to draw him.
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Yesterday I was asked to do some promo graphics for a local guitar store. He wanted 6 different guitar-shaped stickers, 3 separate t-shirt designs (all of which involved varying levels of copyright infringement), an advertisement for a local magazine, and several web graphics for his online site.
I told him I was open to some trade since I’m a player, too.
Client: So be nice to me on price, I’m just a little guy! I was thinking we could swap for a string change and guitar setup.
That’s the equivalent of about $35. Also, I can do that myself.
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"I understand your request for a contract, however this is not a contractual gig. You’ll just have to trust me that I pay on time."
— NOPE
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Me: (Fixes clients computer problem for the agreed price in a couple minutes)
Client: You only did a few minutes of work! That’s not worth $50.
Me: Price sheet is right here. You agreed to it. Also, I fixed your computer, so…
Client: I’m not paying for that, you hardly did anything!
Me: Well you won’t get your device back until you pay, so good luck with that.
Client: You can’t do that!
Me: I can when a sh---y client doesn’t pay for work they couldn’t do themselves.
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I’m currently looking for entry-level editing jobs — I’ve got a lot of experience, but nothing I can actually put on a resume, which means a lot of scouring Craigslist, Upwork, etc. I found a job for editing a sci-fi/fantasy novel that looked right up my alley, which was great until the issue of “price” came up.
Client: Payment would be in the form of being listed as Co-Author and splitting any profits from the sale of the book and/or movie rights.
Sigh.
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"It’s your own fault that you trust your customers. Next time you should demand payment in advance."
— Good advice from a bad person who didn’t pay me.
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Client: I saw a painting I wanted but the price was $300. I’d never pay that much for a piece of art. That’s outrageous. I took a picture of it and want you to paint it for me.
Me: That’s not a bad price for an original painting. My price would be much higher.
Client: Then just do it digitally so it won’t cost you anything.
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Never again will I make the mistake of not looking at my check before I leave a meeting. When I get home from a meeting with the client, I pull out the check to e-deposit it; and notice it’s short by more than $60. I shoot her a text:
Me: My check is a $X short of what we agreed on. Can you drop off a check at my office as soon as possible please? I’ll be holding onto the work I was supposed to send over this evening until the balance is paid.
Client: Please send work product now, I’ll pay the balance on your next check in 2 weeks.
Me: I can’t send anything over until the balance is paid. Sorry, but this is pretty standard in the industry.
Client: Hold off on all further work. I will mail the check. We will be ending it here for now.
Me: Okay… as soon as I receive the check I’ll send over the files.
So… she fired me because I called you out on blatantly trying to short me? At the meeting she said “I’ve rounded your hours up a bit to give you a little bonus.” So obviously she knew what she was doing. She was just hoping I wouldn’t say anything.
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Client: Can you do [X] for us?
Me: You’re paying me to do [Y], not [X]. [X] Is a separate service that I charge for.
Client: Oh well I don’t mean right now. Just whenever you have some free time.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am loving my weather right this moment. All day in fact.
I woke up to heavy rain, and it tapered off shortly after I got up. We went to the park, and then enjoyed the cloudy cool day until 4:00 when it got so dark I had to turn a light on. Then the sky opened up with a really heavy rain that lasted about an hour.
I don't know it there's any flash flooding, but it might be worth it to check out the creek the next cool day we have.
It's 72 degrees right now and as I said I'm loving it.
I hope you had a cool day, and a happy Tuesday as well.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you have successful hunting! 
on the rest of your posts! Looks like you only have 894 to go now. 
to get to a thousand before you 
