Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Too late for that bit of advice.
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update
Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.
Now it's "Donald! Duck!"
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
Good morning everyboomie.
If Tuesday comes after Monday, I'm on the right thread.
It does right?
Monday was a day and a half for me. I got the oil changed in my shorts
I washed my truck, and I mowed my lawn.....among other things.
This morning I have to be in Texas for labs at the VA.
That'll be fun. No breakfast until after 9:30.
It'll be ok really. I skip breakfast half the time nowadays.
I'm watching my figure you know.
Have a happy day everyone.