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Laff time! #1168225
11/05/18 01:12 PM
11/05/18 01:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 18,719
Ottawa Ontario Canada
CanukDenis Offline OP
Graduate Boomer
CanukDenis  Offline OP
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 18,719
Ottawa Ontario Canada
The purpose of this scientific document is the revelation of the true art
of nail biting. This topic, even if within everyone's reach, and right at
everyone's fingertips, has remained surprisingly unexplored.

In 1976, a scientific survey was conducted (behind closed doors) at McGill
University. 100 experienced biters were interviewed. According to this so
far unpublished survey, the following main traits accurately describe the
average nail biter:
1) Constantly walks around with his/her hands in his/her pockets
2) Enjoys an annual average of 52.87 hangnails
3) Uses Mitchum Underarm Deodorant at least twice a day
4) Smokes profusely, and prefers penny-match-packs to Bic lighters.

There are countless other advantages to nail biting. For brevity, I will
list only a few:
1) No goose pimples when erasing blackboards
2) Very easy to slip on a pair of tight gloves
3) Your lover's back is left unscratched
4) You can pick your nose without fear of nosebleeds
5) Can't use cruel expressions like "I'll scratch your eyes out".

I found it impossible to come up with more than these 2 disadvantages:
1) Constantly being yelled at by your mother: GET THEM FINGERS OUT OF
2) Inability to pick up a dime off the floor.
And this one explains trait number 4 above: the use of penny-match-packs.
The experienced nail biter simply opens up his match pack, and casually
slips it under the floored dime...and VOILA!

The local nail biting champ (an Air-Canada assistant pilot) will be most
difficult to dethrone, being gifted with a natural pair of razor sharp
frontals. You'll find him at the Concord Tavern Saturday afternoons, with
his quart of Labatt's Blue next to his biting trophy, ready to take on all
To frequent challenges such as "I'll bet you 5 bucks my nails are shorter
than yours" by up-and-coming-biters, our local champion calmly replies in
John Wayne fashion: "put your money where your nails ain't".

Backed by Barnaby's Bar, I personally took part in a recent championship
contest: whoever first fills a one-ounce-shot-glass with fingernail slices
is declared the champion.
Urged on by a noisy delegation wearing Mr. Barnaby's T-shirts, I was ahead
at first, biting off healthy nail chunks and spitting these right into my
shot-glass with amazing grace, speed and accuracy. However, near the end
when the pressure mounted, I took a deep breath...and choked.
For your interest, the present champion actually came in second, but was
awarded first place when it was discovered that the winner was not honest
and cheated by sharpening his front teeth using one of them big steel
files...a most serious offense.

First, the standard penalty for cheating was applied: the culprit's hands
were tied behind his back. Can you imagine how rough this is!
Due to the seriousness of this offense, the culprit was further penalized
by having his head strapped to a post, followed by having a lady equipped
with mouth watering 2-inch-nails hold this beautiful food in front of his
mouth. The culprit is presently a permanent resident of the Brockville
Mental Hospital, in a room all by himself.

Understandably so, this revealing scientific article will create not only
the bankruptcy of many manicurists, but also an enormous interest in nail
biting plus countless "how do I get started?" requests. Let me offer a few
tips and suggestions.
First and foremost, pick your favorite bottom tooth (hereafter referred to
as "the slicer") for slicing purposes. Logically, the corresponding upper
tooth (hereafter referred to as "the guider") will be used to steady and
guide the fingertip.
Due to the uneducated masses out there plus due to the general resistance
to change (even if for the best), I suggest that you begin secretly and
carefully, using the logically devised steps that follow.

1) Grow a moustache...then pretend that it itches.
2) Scratch your moustache (socially acceptable) using your thumb and index,
dangling your other 3 fingers in front of your mouth.
3) Nonchalantly insert your big finger between your frontals...until you
feel it touching the slicer.
4) Now, bring down the guider, enough to touch your big finger's right
side...about half-way between the last joint and the nail.
5) It'll all feel right once you get the slicer and the guider working
in unison, the slicer operating in an upward motion, while the guider
does its thing applying downward pressure on the fingertip.
6) Using a similar strategy, you can attack the thumbnail; place your index
directly across your moustache, then hide your mouth by keeping the next
3 fingers together and slightly downward leaving your thumb well hidden
and directly in front of your mouth...slip it in and enjoy.
7) But (I hear you ask) how do we dispose of the nail pieces? Well, simply
aquire a deep cavity in your second bottom right molar in which, with
tongal dexterity, you insert the nail pieces.
8) Very important: ensure that you empty out your cavity before a contest;
if caught using such illegal nail slices to help fill your shot-glass,
you will get the "head strap" treatment.

In most drugstores, you'll find little bottles labelled "For Fingernail
Biting". Do not, I repeat, do not buy these: they make your nails taste
simply awful...YUK!
You'll hear of an organization called "Nailbiters Anonymous". Do not,
I repeat, do not join that outfit: they actually want you to quit biting
your nails...YIKES!

Well, this terminates my scientific document. Thank you for your attention
and happy biting to you all.

Your Biting Consultant: Denis Borris.

I'm a man of few words, BUT I use 'em often!!
Re: Laff time! [Re: CanukDenis] #1168380
11/06/18 07:28 PM
11/06/18 07:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 38,211
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 38,211

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