“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.”
During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if
I could borrow his master key.
“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down
The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?”
The food at the sandwich shop
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”
My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we
just call it a duck?”
Funny Military Punishments (According to Reddit)
• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day.
• Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’”
• A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm.
An ad for a hedge clipper that
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was
expecting an ocean-view hotel
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said.
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
When a soldier came to the
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was
I in there for?”
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.
A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”
Good morning everyboomie.
Well if I could see into the future, I probably would have skipped Hump Day and jumped right to Thursday. Thinking maybe if I skipped a day I wouldn't do the things that I did on that day, the next day..........because it's a different day. Does that make sense?
Perfect nonsense probably.
I opened another can of worms today. I'm so sick of worms. I have way too many cans of worms around here.
I guess it could be worse. They could be cans of slugs. UGH!!
I decided to clean the floor in the laundry room. You see where this is headed don't you?
I cleaned everything I could easily reach, then I just peeked behind the washer dryer. Yep, gotta clean that too. Pulled out the washer and scrubbed the floor. Then I had to go find some boards and level it up.
Seeing any patterns here?
When I finally got done with the washer I had to do the same with the dryer.........only there's not near as much maneuvering room. Had to move a bunch of shirts hanging in the way......and other stuff. Cleaned the floor and then I had to level it up.
I don't know what I did 3 years ago about leveling the washer and dryer when I moved in. I guess nothing.
I had to clean the window sill and window frame. They were covered with mold. Then cleaned the back door. Covered with dirt. Then clean the siding on the back porch
which was also moldy.
Apartment living is starting to appeal to me.
It stormed again last night. It rained all night long and was pouring rain when I got up. My yard was swamped, but the sun came out by lunch time, and it turned out to be a super day......except for 23mph wind.
At least the wind is helping to dry up the lake in the yard.
My goodness I'm chatty tonight.
Have a happy Thursday everyone.
EDIT: L4L, drawers here are where a lot of things go in, but nothing ever comes out.