“The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”
~David Letterman~
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Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
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Mother: (noun)
One person who does the work of 20. For free
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You know you’re a mom when…
…picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
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Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
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Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
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One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
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My Mom Taught Me
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
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There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
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“We’re eating
dinner soon.
Don’t fill up
on homework.”
—Dog mom
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My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child.
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Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
Source: lifebuzz.com
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I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
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The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
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“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d
gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”
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In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they have are Tampax and Kotex.”
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My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”
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Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions.
Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I’ll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."
The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.
Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio’s hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it’s there. Maybe he had a pimple.
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I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I'm kind of looking forward to Sunday when we get some sunshine back. Saturday is going to be another cloudy, cool, rainy day.......like today was.
I did take the dogs parking today, and then went to Walmart.
Not much after that though.
Beau's mommy was discharged from the hospital this morning. I'm going to take him home sometime tomorrow morning.
Have a super Saturday everyone.
joe
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