When I want to end a relationship I just say, "You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
~ Rita Rudner~
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It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
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My wife complained about my obsession with golf.
I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.
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If you think it's hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.
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A guy came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee.
"Tie me up," she purred softly, "And you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.
For the rest of the afternoon his friends can't take their eyes off the stunning beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, "How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
The old rich guy says, "I lied about my age."
His friend says, "And she believed you? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety."
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The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
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If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.
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I'm a scratch golfer.
Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
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Police are called to an apartment one day. They arrive to find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks her, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"And did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did," the woman says as she begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know; put me down for a five."
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Why does a golfer wear two pairs of socks?
In case he gets a whole in one.
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I've worked out what's wrong with my golf game.
I've been standing too close to the ball... after I hit it.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Here it is, my favorite event of the year and here I sit all lonely and sad. I've been here 4 years and never had a trick or treater come to my door.
Maybe if I took the lock off the gate, and turned on the light it would help.
Seriously I've never had one kid, and I don't blame them at all. If I were a kid I'd go to the neighborhoods with all the great big brick homes.
It's really a good thing for me though. If I bought candy every year I'd eat what I didn't give away.
Somebody knocking on my door every 5 minutes would drive Missy into a frenzy, and drive me crazy.
Anyway, Have a happy day everyone.
It's FRIDAY!!! 
joe
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witter
Funny, my closing the blinds worked this year and they passed us by! I was so happy! And yes, it drives dogs nuts! 
