I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
~ Dean Martin~
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What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation.
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What do you call a beat-up Batman?
A bruised Wayne.
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The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
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What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.
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My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.
Unfortunately, she blew it.
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My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
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What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An autumnobile.
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First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”
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I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
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“Sir, you have a bladder infection.”
What’s that?
“Urine trouble, sir.”
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
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I went to the gym and there’s a new machine. I used it for an hour and and ended up feeling sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers …
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I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
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I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
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They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
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I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
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The person who invented autocorrect…
Should burn in hello.
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I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope I'm the only one here that had to look up the meaning of palindrome.
Dammit, I’m Mad!
We had a fantastic day here today. It was another Indian Summer.
Man those Indians had the most awesome Summers.
Beau and Missy had fun bolting out the door every 5 minutes to chase cats around the yard.
They had fun when we went to Lowe's too. They got tons of attention.
My Cowboys are playing football in about an hour. My evening awaits.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishng you all a Happy Tuseday! 
