“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them”
– Abraham Lincoln ~
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Jim the town drunkard was at his wit’s end, he had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: “Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else!
The booze I’ll buy myself.”
~~~~
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, “Sir can I have five beers please.”
~~~
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
~~~
“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years.
“Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy.
“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer.
Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Well, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now that I just can’t remember his name, and I am too embarrassed to ask him!”
~~~
“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother.
I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.
“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”
“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar at the top and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.
My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?
~~~
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen!
You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.
“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
~~~
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school.
“You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
~~~
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the PD pulls up.
The Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty.
"Ma'am, my officer told me you said that you killed the owner of this car and had the body in the trunk?"
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
~~~
After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist.
Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.
“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.
The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.
“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.
“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
~~~
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.
One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”
“Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”
~~~
At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.
“Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.”
At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath.
Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.”
“Alright alright Harry”, said his buddy, “you don't have to brag!”
~~~
Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home.
Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
“Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?”
“Oh, I can’t eat ithem” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”
“So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee.
“I just like to suck the chocolate from around them” was the glib reply.
~~~
Good evening everyboomie.
I'm not really sure what day this is, but I'm sure of one thing, I don't really care either.
I got some new pills from my psychiatrist, and everything is A-ok hunky dory.
I don't even care that the government has tapped my phone, and bugged my house.
The government has been bugging me for years anyway, along with most employers I've worked for.............and my sister.
My regular doctor gave me a pill to use to boost my stamina for exercise, but when I took it, it lasted for over 4 hours, and was rather embarrassing when I went out jogging.
It gave me a stroke.........or two.
I feel great now though, exhausted but great.
Have a happy week everyone.
joe