I don’t want to say we eat out
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.
A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a big fan to cool the cows!”
When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.
While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?”
Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg.
Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!”
And for many years, she didn’t.
Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard.
I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.”
The old man said, “Yep.”
So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”
I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?”
He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”
Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma.
When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby.
Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?”
He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”
An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”
The owner says, “He’s a liar! He never did any of that.”
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I would,” says the poodle. “Bit I’m not allowed on the couch.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “WHAT??? They gave me a chihuahua?”
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “ Yeah I know,” says the sheepdog. “I rounded them up.”
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me
everything you know.”
Wandering inside a pet store,
I stopped in front of a birdcage to
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin
Hello everybody and welcome to another week!
I hope you're all having a great weekend.
It's really nice here and I've been watching football this afternoon. The Cowboys won a thriller come from behind game, after a successful on-side kick, and field goal in the last minute and a half, They had been behind the whole game by as much as 20 points and I was ready to switch channels thinking there's no way they can win the game.
Now watching the Texans play. Both my teams lost last week and really need the win this week. The Texans really have their work cut out for them against the Ravens.
This month has gone by pretty fast. I hate to wish my life away, but I just really want November 5th to be here.
I'm sure that after that point we'll know, withing the next 3 months, who will be President.
Have a super week everyone.