A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
CASKIE STINNETT
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Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
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The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
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“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
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“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
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Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
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We all make mistakes. Some
are just more public than others,
like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood,
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
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Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to
Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro
Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
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File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know.
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
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A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
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Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the
importance of punctuation: “Top
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
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Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm ready for some head hunting! I'm tired of sitting around here playing week-day roulette, and waiting for rain.
Well today it rained. It was not enough rain really, but it was enough to possibly give me a chance at it.
I can't go to the creek. The water will be muddy, so.....I'll have to go elsewhere.
The peanut field seems most appropriate. After all I am a head hunting nut.
I don't even think I'll be able to find anything there because the grass, and crops have sprouted up, but maybe somewhere around the place I'll get lucky.
Maybe I'll find a nuther place to look.
Maybe I'll find a big paved parking lot and walk around looking there.
At any rate I'll be out of here.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe