EDEN PHILLPOTTS
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
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What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
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Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut
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Strapped For Cash
During college, I worked on
a conveyor belt. One day, I was
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada
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Bad Things to Tell Your Wife
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live
pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri
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Lying in Bed
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
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Dating a Hoarder
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
Sam Morril
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Notable Never-isms
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board
a commercial
aircraft if the
pilot is wearing
a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a
hurry to terminate a marriage. You
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Crisp
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This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
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It's A Small World…
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
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A Familiar Patient
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. “Not again …”
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Good morning everyboomie.
If it's Monday, then this has to be my next to last work day.................EVER!.
Unless and until I'm out of money, deeply in debt, and have no relatives left on this earth who are willing to support me, or at least loan me large sums of money.
This sure as heck ain't Margaritaville, but I am perfectly willing to waist away here, if I have sufficient Margarita mix, Imodium, and Extra Strength Excedrin on hand.
Ok then, back to reality, and the subject at hand, Monday, worky worky.
It's not an early day, but early enough. I'm going to bed.
Please don't wake me unless I've won the lottery, or PCH.
Have a happy day everyone.
Nice to see you in the diner Thorsgoats.
joe