Elizabeth Cady Stanton
The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.
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I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
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I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my
feelings.”
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During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
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The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
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As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on
body-part identification and the
k sound. To that end, I had him
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture
of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
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Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
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A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
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While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
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It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
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At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
our wall.”
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When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
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At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
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The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as
before but with this appended to
his note: “Very nice swords.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
I've had a good day today so far. A sunny hot day. Went and got groceries, and took the barking dogs parking.
So it was another day just like the other day.
Except that last night was not like the other night, because we had big storms sweep through at about 11:00pm, and straight line wind that left a lot of tree limbs everywhere, and some whole trees down.
Everything was copecetic this morning.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe