I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking (1942 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Road to Enlightenment
This is the road to enlightenment, revised...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just go away and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbour' s milk, that' s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don' t be irreplaceable. If you can' t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you pass gas.
7. Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you' re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you' re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don' t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.
The Doctor Says
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.
"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.
"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a new week, and that means new day SOS, Same Old Stuff.
I feel like doing something different.
If I weren't working today I'd go get my tongue pierced.
I'd get a tattoo on my big ol' toe.
I'd get a lip ring.
All in all I'd have to say it's a good thing I'm working today.
Have a happy day everyone.