What a splendid head, yet no brain.
Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC)
Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.
5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those doink heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
Good morning everyboomie.
That's Sunday to you....all, Saturday to me, all.
I'd love to go head hunting somewhere today, like the creek.
The heat and humidity is draining though, and yesterday morning I went to the creek with Baby and almost stepped on a cotton mouth.
Not the first time, & it's not the most fun way to be surprised.
You only die once, but the real problem is that you only live once.
Sounds like a good song title.
Anyway I've been a life long, "die hard", charter member of Procrastinators of the Universe with one ultimate goal. To put off that "dying" thing for as long as possible.
Have a happy day everyone.