Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
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You know you've joined a pretty cheap health plan when...Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages
You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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Oil Changing Instructions for Women:1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.
TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00
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Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library AssociationClifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Freddie Kruger's Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar Becomes a Piano
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
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Good morning everyboomie.
By this time tonight I'm sure I will have been mauled by another Monday.
It probably won't take that long. I believe I get off at 1:00.
Hopefully by then my mauling will be complete, and I can come home.
I feel like I'm going in a tanning booth.
Maybe at about 10:00 I should flip over to make sure I'm mauled evenly.
There's nothing like a nice, even, all-over mauling.
That means I need to set an alarm for 10:00, so I can wake up and flip over.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe