The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
David Brinkley (1920 - 2003)
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Toy Store Fired
Some of the many reasons I was fired from working at the local toy store...A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
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Trailer Trash
You know you're really trailer trash when...The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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Translating Personals
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTSIndependent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
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True MeaningStatement: "Im a Romantic."
True Meaning: "Im poor."
Statement: "Youre the only girl Ive ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasnt rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "Shes kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldnt kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."
Statement: "I dont know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She wont sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "Im insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you really love me?"
True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "Ive done something really stupid and someones on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "Ive been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "Youre not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "Youre ugly."
Statement: "Ive learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "Im on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I gotta make this short and sweet.
1. Someone needs this couch to sleep on, 2. I've been up since 3:30am, and 3. my dog is staring at me like, "CAN WE GO TO BED NOW HUH HUH CAN WE CAN WE??
I'm definitely ready for bed.........as if I'm ever NOT ready.
Have a happy day everybody.
joe