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Monday #1106697
04/09/17 09:33 PM
04/09/17 09:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,782
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Sonic Boomer
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,782
Calera, Oklahoma
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

CONAN O’BRIEN

`````````````````

One early morning, Oscar’s wife died after a long illness. Oscar called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”

The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”

Oscar replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder Road.”

The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “

Oscar replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”

````````````````````````

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

``````````

The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:

1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.

2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.

3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.

4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.

5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.

6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.

7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.

8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.

``````````````

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."

George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."

````````````````````

Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don’t make demands that trouble him, don’t discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”

When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”

Lena: “I am afraid my love that there is little chance for your survival.”

`````````````

Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."

Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."

A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."

```````````````````

Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

``````````````

The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.

'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'

The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'

'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.

'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'

'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'

````````````````

Husband returned from office and wife drew a breath of relief: “Thank lord. Good that you are safe and sound.”

Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”

Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”


Was that a 'dumb joke'? headscratch

`````````````

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside a pub when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"

"Why?" says the youth, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

```````````````

Hilarious Book Titles

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave

5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10)Waterproofing Your Child

`````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Welcome to Monday! They're going to have to come up with new names for week days. These 7 are getting tiresome. razz


I hope you all had a weekend. Otherwise why would they call them that. duh


I got up Sunday morning, and everything after that was a blur. pirate


I did some exercising, took the dogs to the park, carted a bunch of junk out to the street, then beat feet back inside where it was cool. cool


I think it's time to hibernate now until about mid November. snicker


Not ready for Summer, sorry. shame


I expect to be called in to Lowe's in the morning to interview and take the drug test. Jason, the manager was on vacation all last week. yes


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106698
04/09/17 10:00 PM
04/09/17 10:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
Are you looking forward to returning to work, Joe? Will you stop after the season is over?

I put a few of my favorite photos of the waves in the city the other day if you want to see them. Just click here.

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1106700
04/09/17 10:17 PM
04/09/17 10:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,782
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Sonic Boomer
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,782
Calera, Oklahoma
Ana I'm only planning on working through June or July, but I am looking forward to getting in there and helping out. happydance

Nightie night wave

joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106702
04/09/17 10:59 PM
04/09/17 10:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
That's great Joe! You will be free when it starts to cool down in the fall.

Sweet dreams!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1106720
04/10/17 03:47 AM
04/10/17 03:47 AM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,226
Washington In the Wet corner
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer
Drmojo  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,226
Washington In the Wet corner
Have a super day Boom Boom buddies dance

Beautiful sunny warm day here yay


Karen & Bella puppy


"Horses are smart"

"You never heard of a Horse going broke"
betting on Humans~ Will Rogers~
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106725
04/10/17 04:48 AM
04/10/17 04:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,011
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,011
Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, Ana, Karen and everyone. Joe good luck with the Job! Ana the pictures are amazing! Karen hope you had a great Birthday! birthday
Coffee and tea are ready! Have a wonderful day everyone! spring


Gerry
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106740
04/10/17 07:24 AM
04/10/17 07:24 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11,511
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11,511
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish, Eggs, Grits, BB Pancakes, and Biscuits and Gravy in the NC. chocobunny

Last edited by connie; 04/10/17 07:25 AM.

Connie
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106750
04/10/17 08:59 AM
04/10/17 08:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers bunny

Joe, you sure are keeping busy.

Ana, loved the photos.

Karen, enjoy the day today.

Gerry, coffee sounds great this morning.

Connie, have a great day!

Weather nice here. On my way for a walk with Nina. Good day wishes to everyone! chocobunny


Gail
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106765
04/10/17 10:43 AM
04/10/17 10:43 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,211
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,211
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Book cooking, dog walking, and a vet appointment will occupy the day. And surviving the traffic jam on the road they are working on when I have to go out. lol wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs] #1106805
04/10/17 04:27 PM
04/10/17 04:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106806
04/10/17 04:40 PM
04/10/17 04:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 77,844
In the Naughty Corner
Good afternoon SpaceQ! Lots of thunder and lightning here, you may get this tomorrow!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1106812
04/10/17 05:15 PM
04/10/17 05:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Stay safe Ana.


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1106834
04/10/17 09:47 PM
04/10/17 09:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,211
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,211
Alabama
Good night gang.......Sweet dreams sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs] #1106837
04/10/17 10:13 PM
04/10/17 10:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,961
Upper Arlington, Ohio
See you all tomorrow. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
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