Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.
````````````Rated NC17Distasteful and Inappropriate Jokes
A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"
The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."
But mum, I don't want to go to America.
- Hush child and keep swimming.
Q: Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Why have trips to England become so popular with Siamese twins?
It gives the other one a chance to drive a car, too.
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."
The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."
Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"
The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Man is asked at the hospital:
How tall are you?
I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.
Two turkeys are looking at the sky at dusk and one asks the other: „Do you believe in life after Christmas?“
Q: Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in his cornflakes?
A: The police believed it was a cereal killer.
A stressed-looking mom and little Johnny run around the beach.
After about fifteen minutes the mom stops, out of breath and demands, „Come on Johnny, please remember where you buried daddy in the sand, will you?“
An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.
"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."
"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest.
An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin.
So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to climb.
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.
„What on earth are you doing?!“ asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around.“
Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years. "
"But doctor, I am already 80!"
"You see - I told you to quit smoking."
What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?
The school bus.
Dentist’s tombstone: Here lies Frank Serra, filling his last cavity.
Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?
You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the weekend part 2, or part b, or maybe it's not 2B if I don't get outta bed.
I don't think I have any plans for the day. Wait a minute. Let me check my planner.
Nope! Not a single plan.
My Saturday was event full enough. I spent the morning at the sod farm, and did not find a single point.
What I did find was several scrapers, big tip, and the second axe head that I have ever found.
I find it amazing that after they cut the sod, these things are laying on top of the ground.
If they ever turned around and looked behind them, then I might not have found my axe head.
Have a happy day everyone.