The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.

—Julia Child
```````````````````



After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.

He bought the picture, but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "SO! He's done got himself a lover, and an ugly one to boot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
~~~~~~~~~

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
~~~~~~~~~

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?
~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.

"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"

"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"

"The light was on."
~~~~~~~~~


A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
~~~~~~

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.''

The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.''

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?''

''No,'' comes the reply.

''Got any duck feed?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~


An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time."

"Ya, that will be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."

The German replies, " ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."
~~~~~~~~~~


Good morning everyboomie.


It's the 19th of February and the year is clipping right along.


Before you know it it will be the 20th.


I kill me.


But seriously, if we don't get back to warmer weather I will do that.....or just die from boredom.


When your trying to not eat, and your physical activities are limited to inside the house it makes me want to sleep a lot.


We're rainy and in the 30s Tuesday. Woo Hoo!


Have a happy day everyone.......if you can.


joe

Hope you get some warmer weather soon, Joe! We're supposed to get snow here again on Wednesday.

It's Monday night, and I'm off to sleep. Still sick, and I have a 4:30 am wake up for a reset tomorrow. I think I'm blaming these crazy hours for getting sick in the first place.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone.

G' Day Joe if i could i wish i could send you some sunshine - take care and a terrific Tuesday and hug Missy


Hiya Venus i truly hope you start feeling better soon....yeah crazy hours and cold weather could cause a cold.

Crossing my finger's you both get a sunny day with chicken soup and scooby biscuits for Missy.. Take care

Good Morning Joe, venus, Taintedfury and everyone. Joe love all your funny images! Venus hope you are feeling better. Taintedfury have a great day. Coffee, tea, and hot chocolate are ready. Wishing you all a Happy Day!

Good morning Kaki's Sister uhm coffee in the morning does the trick for me thxs

watching court shows and soap opera.

I thought I posted last night....whoops! I'm out the door to work, have an awesome day all!

Terrific Tuesday ya'll

It's a rainy day in Al. Had to bump the heater on to cut the chill this morning.

It's quiet in the house. Boys at school, hubby at work, and son out for most of the day on appointments/errands.

We finished the Library yesterday So glad to have reclaimed that slice of our life. I'll cook some books today, and then cook dinner. I think laundry will also find it's way into the day.

Hubby and I watched the old Errol Flynn Robin Hood last night. Love those old movies.

Ya'll have a great day.

Joe, totally agree with Julia

Venus, hope you are better soon.

Tainted, what's up for you today?

Gerry, I'll take mocha coffee please and thank you.

Enjoy, family

Have a great day, Ana

Hey Ho everyone

Hope everyone had a good day!

Warmer weather is coming one day Joe...in theory

Thanks Taintedfury, Gerry and L4L. I felt much better today. Still not fully over it, but a lot better than I was for the past three days.

Good night, everyone.

HEHEHE Hiya looney my husbasnds brother is getting an eye operation today and tomorrow my husbands got a Ultersound on this Liver ...That's life...

G'day Ana you sweared - you said work lol just joking have a speedy day..


Family and Venus take care and have lovely evening..

Soot hello to you too..


Happy Gaming Boomers