It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
—Comedian John McDowell--
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It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
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At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
our wall.”
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When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
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At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
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The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as
before but with this appended to
his note: “Nice swords.”
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While hosting a garage sale,
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
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As the hostess at the casino
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
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We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
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The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
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I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
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An insurance agent called
our medical office. One of our
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form
for a patient, but, the agent said, the
patient had altered it. The giveaway?
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
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I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted
me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,”
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
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I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
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My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response,
so she gave her students a hint:
“It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
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No Dumb Questions (Except This One)
Just before the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
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A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Moving right along. The work week will be over before you know it.
This morning I finished painting on my door, and looking around I couldn't find anything else I wanted to paint.......at the moment.
I decided to pull my stove out and level it up. I've been meaning to do that for 3 years now.
Well, that was one can of worms I should have never opened. You know how dirt and grease and stuff can penetrate all the cracks and crevices in the kitchen, especially around the stove? I leveled the stove and then I could not ignore how sticky and gooey it was back there. My feet were stuck to the ground.
I had to clean the floor, then I had to clean the cabinets on either side. Then I had to clean the sides of the stove which lead to cleaning the top of it, and then cleaning the greasy vent baffles, then...........this is where I should have called it a day.
Now I am not a cook. I used my stove minimally, but I guess 3 years worth of 'minimal cooking' still accumulates quite a bit of junk in your stove.
I just wanted to find a short cut to this cleaning process. I was wishing to myself that I had a sand blaster, or a flame thrower to blast all the crud to high heavens. A flame thrower? Wait a minute. It's a gas stove right? Gas stoves have a long flexible hose. I can just disconnect the hose, turn on the gas, and burn all the grease and crud right off.
Piece of cake!
The emergency room doctor tells me there will be some scaring after the burns heal. The good news is that my mustache and eyebrows will grow back in short order.
My insurance agent will be out tomorrow to survey the damage to the kitchen.
Have as happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
What a great story Joe 
Joe! You have quite the imagination! I could listen to you all day! 
