I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
~Rodney Dangerfield~
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A customer’s request to the general store in his vacation town:
“I would like to reserve a New York Times, Star-Ledger, and Post for every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from June 22 till Labor Day.
However, we will be in Greece from July 1 to July 8. My son may or may not pick up the papers then, we don’t know. We will be in Spain for two weeks in August. Not sure which two, though. We’ll try to let you know.
Oh, and we don’t need the Times on any Mondays in July, except the 8th of July.”
The store’s response: “Effective July … we will no longer be reserving newspapers.”
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From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.
And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.
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My friend, a flight attendant, asked a businessman what he would like to drink. After thinking about it, he replied, “Coffee … to go.”
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Two women came to my photo studio to have their portrait taken. My very young and very naïve assistant asked, “Are you two sisters?”
“No,” said one of the women. “We’re partners.”
“Ohhhh …,” said my assistant.
“So how long have you ladies been cops?”
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Bookstore owners share their customers’ oddest requests.
“Where’s your true fiction section?”
Holding an autographed book: “I want to buy this book but not this copy because someone’s written in it.”
“Do you have Pride and Produce?”
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My neighbor, a police officer, pulled someone over for texting while driving, a big no-no in our state. The driver was having none of it.
“I was not texting!” she insisted indignantly. “I was on Facebook.”
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Overheard: a mother bragging about her daughter. “She’s very articulate. She can draw anything.”
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I went with a friend to the country to look at a house he was thinking of buying. We found the town but not the road. We drove over to city hall, but no one there had heard of the road, not even the police or firefighters we asked. Finally, a young guy came to our aid. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there.
“Thanks,” I said. “Are you with the police or fire department?”
“Neither,” he said. “I deliver pizzas.”
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My sister got a call from a telemarketer who was selling replacement windows. “I can’t use them,” she said. “I’m renting an apartment.”
“No problem,” he said. “You can take the windows with you when you move.”
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In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.” My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed.
“So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?”
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While phoning a friend, my grandmother dialed the wrong number. She apologized and tried again, but she got the same number. Once more she hung up and redialed—same result. Now Grandma was frustrated. “Look,” she told the person on the other end, “I’m going to call my friend again. This time, don’t answer her phone!”
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On a trip to Sweden, I asked a few people where I could find some good local cuisine.
“This is a pretty cosmopolitan city, so you can find just about any kind of international food that you’d like,” said one man. “But if you want truly local cuisine, get the meatballs at IKEA.”
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I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, “Thanks for putting up with me so long.”
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”
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A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” his wife asks.
He replies, “They had avocados.”
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would cost $6 per person.
“However,” he said, “if you’re over 65, the price will be $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman shouted, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”
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Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
What a difference a day makes! We lost over 20 degrees last night, and gained over 10 or 12mph of wind.
I woke up to almost 25mph wind. Even if it was warm, I could not put out that mulch, or do much of anything else outside.
We did get a little rain over night, which was good since I spread that fertilizer out yesterday.
So I couldn't do anything outside, and I had nothing to do inside either, that I
wanted to do.
Sunday and Monday will be more of the same before we get back into the 60s on Tuesday.
It'll be 2 long days unless I find another indoor project.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It is a miserable day out so getting caught up on computer work. 
Wishing everyone a relaxing Sunday! 
Mum(Mom) she's currently been visiting the dentist and took Dads dog (her dog now) cindy to the vet to be clipped otherwise she's doing fine thanks -but besides that we're always in contact via phone..i'll be visting her again soon...which isn't easy because of the distance. 