The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. – Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace.
Becky was 73 and just got her first computer. After her son spent over 2 hours teaching her how to use it, she was sure she knew everything there was to know about computers.
Unfortunately though, one day she couldn’t get it to start so she promptly called an IT guy to come over and take a look at it. The IT guy managed to fix the issue in a few minutes and was on his way. Becky was proud when she overheard the IT guy on the phone with his boss telling him about the issue, she was sure it meant it was a serious issue and she was sure she took care of it the right way.
“Excuse me if you don’t mind me asking,” asked Becky to the man on his way out. “I couldn’t help overhearing you on the phone with your boss. What exactly is an Id ten T problem? Just so I can tell my son.”
The man smiled, took out a pen, “it stands for this: I-D -1-0-T”.
Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Bob Smith for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”
“Sure I know him”, responded Bob with a smile.
“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”
“Well I’ll be honest with you” Bob truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle. He popped it open and out came a Genie. “I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…” “I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke. Harry couldn’t believe his good luck. As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office. “Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice. OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!” “Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.”
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.
What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.
“I ran a mortuary.” Was the reply.
Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.
It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day.
After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”
Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”
“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.
I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.
“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”
There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”
To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty.
“But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”
“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.
“Your client.” Came the reply.
A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will.
The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and then three minutes later the man walks out in a huff.
“Wait, can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man.
“HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me: ‘Sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’
“I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake. There's no way in hell I'm leaving everything to that crook!”
The boss called Joe into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Joe,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?”
“Vrooom! Vrooooom!” replied Joe.
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
Good morning everyboomie.
I am not procrastinating any more!
I thought it's about time for a new diner thread, and what better time than right now??
That was Saturday night.
As the old saying goes, 'better late than never', and I'm am very fond of old sayings, because I'm a very old person.
I'm still working on the old deck, and nursing the old knees and legs and back.
I hope to finish it.......sometime.
Have a safe & happy week everyone.