Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Q: What room has no walls
A: A mushroom!
Q. What did the egg say to the frying pan?
A. “You crack me up”
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist. When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast ” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?!
HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
Becky was 73 and just got her first computer. After her son spent over 2 hours teaching her how to use it, she was sure she knew everything there was to know about computers. Unfortunately though, one day she couldn’t get it to start so she promptly called an IT guy to come over and take a look at it.
The IT guy managed to fix the issue in a few minutes and was on his way. Becky was proud when she overheard the IT guy on the phone with his boss telling him about the issue, she was sure it meant it was a serious issue and she was sure she took care of it the right way.
“Excuse me if you don’t mind me asking,” asked Becky to the man on his way out. “I couldn’t help overhearing you on the phone with your boss. What exactly is an Id ten T problem? Just so I can tell my son.”
The man smiled, took out a pen, “it stands for this: I-D -1-0-T”.
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her english speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be ok with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
As a popular local politician I always try to help out whenever I can. So that’s how it came to be that when a fellow came up to me in a hotel lobby the other day and asked me for a small favor I was more then happy to oblige.
“Hi,” said the fellow, introducing himself as Bob Smith. “I’m having a very important business meeting in a few minutes, and it’s very important that I impress them . If you can just come over during our meeting and say hello I would be forever indebted to you!”
So that’s how a few minutes later, I found myself walking over to the fellow with a big smile on my face, “Hi Bob!” I said.
“I barely got the words out of my mouth when Bob looked up with an annoyed expression, “DON’T BOTHER ME NOW CHRIS. CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT MEETING?!
“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!”
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.”
“RUSSIAN DRESSING?! Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY? “Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”
And that’s how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he drove. He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent.
The only consolation I found was the thought that at least the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane. Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road.
Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family. We headed to the small hick town that he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks. It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up that I learned that things could get quite a bit worse.
“Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection. “THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”
I live in Montreal, and for that reason my children have never been to a beach before.
On our first family trip down South we decided one of the first things we were going to do was head to a beach. As soon as we saw the sand my kids went running off excitedly looking for seashells.
“Mom!” screamed my five year old, running towards me with his hands full. “I found hundreds of them right next to each other!”
With that he excitedly opened up his little hands revealing a handful of shells,
not sea shells,
but pistachio nut shells!
I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A cute girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.” “Oh sure we’ve got lots of rabbits” gushed the motherly sales representative.
“Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.” The lady exclaimed.
“Oh” said the cute girl with a wave of her hand, “I really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!”
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”
Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch.
After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”
“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “my dog was about to be run over in a few minutes anyway!”
I hope everyone is well today........and tomorrow and the next day for that matter.
I started a new project yesterday since I finished my deck. Now I'm working on my storage/shop.
I've been needing to get it cleaned up and organized forever. I had to rewire two electrical outlets to get them situated withing the wall instead of being strung along the outside of it.
My dad was an electrician, but I prefer not messing with it. It's shocking how little I know about electrical wiring.
Then I put up a couple of half sheets of pegboard above the workbench. Now I can properly hang my tools up.
I have a lot more to do out there. I have to just get one area situated, and then move to the next.
I enjoy doing it as long as the temperatures outside don't get above 75.
I need stuff to do anyway.
I hope you all have a happy, safe week.