Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Not really sure who said that. Probably every married man at one time or another.
~~~~~~
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”
Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch.
After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”
“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
~~~~
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
~~~~
Harry was thrilled. After seeing a psychologist for over three years, he was finally pronounced free to go.
“Wow this is so exciting you mean I am finally cured?!” Questioned Harry excitedly, “You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex!”
“Well” said the psychologist slowly, “to be perfectly honest with you I don’t think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought I have come to a conclusion. I think you really are inferior!”
~~~~
Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist. When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast ” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?!
HOW CAN YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
~~~~
“Help!” screamed the hunter into his cell phone “I was trying to shoot a deer and by mistake I killed my partner.”
“OK” said the ranger into the phone “try to calm yourself down. First I would like you to make sure he’s dead.”
“Ok hold on a second” said the hunter. Suddenly the ranger heard a loud gun shot, then the hunter came back on, “Ok now what?”
~~~~
Everyone loved Priest John. He was a happy jolly fellow always willing to help or lend a hand. One time John was walking down the street humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house. “Hey there sonny” said John “let me help you out”, and with that John reached out and pressed the bell. “Anything else I can do for you,” asked John with a smile. “Yes” said the boy. “Run! We’ve only got a few seconds before they come!”
~~~~
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it. Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair. “Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes. ”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
~~~~
So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
“Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?” “As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim. “Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”
Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.” Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?”
“Second door on the left,” was her reply. Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked. “Yes” came the mystified reply.
“Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”
~~~~
The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant.
After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth.
“Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I did was order an apple, and look what it came with!”
~~~~
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.”
“That’s very kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself."
~~~~
“It was terrible”, moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late. “I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.”
“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, “how in the world did you get here at all?”
“Well”, said the quick thinking student, “after twenty minutes I finally gave up and started heading home!”
~~~~
Frank lived next door to the city crazy house. One day he was happily minding his own business when he heard some chanting coming from next door. “Twenty one, twenty one twenty one..”. After listening for a few minutes curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over to see if he could figure out what it was all about. Nearing the house he spotted a small hole in the wall. Frank bent down and peered through the hole into the house. Suddenly as if out of nowhere, a finger came out of the hole and poked him in the eye. Frank fell back clutching his eye, he than heard the chanting change “twenty two twenty two twenty two….”
~~~~
Sam heard all about the great service in the “Sleep Fine Hotel”, so after dropping his stuff in his room, he excitedly headed down to the hotel lounge. He was only there for a few minutes when a beautifully dressed waitress came over to him. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked. Sam took in a deep breath, looked around at the beautiful lobby and asked “what are my choices?” The woman’s gave Sam a strange look, and responded in an extra loud and slow voice, “yeees or noooo.”
~~~~
Hello everybody. May 31st really?? We're almost half way through this year. ALREADY!!!
Wow, I'm half a year older! I wonder if my senior discounts will increase.
It's funny. We used to lament about the weekend being over and having to go back to work.
Where do you go now to get away from work, when you work at home?
I go to Lowe's.
And Walmart.
Have a great week everyone.
joe