I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
~!Bonnie McFarlane~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?” the first demands.
“My dog told me.”
~~
Q. Why aren't dogs good dancers?
A. Because they have two left feet!
~~
Q. How do dog catchers get paid?
A. By the pound!
~~
Q: What do chemists' dogs do with their bones?
A: They barium!
~~
Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn't stop talking like a horse?
A: It was a dog and pony show.
~~
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
~~
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only:
"Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
~~
To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house.
I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?”
~~
During a lesson about adjectives, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother's hair as auburn.
Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, the teacher asked, "How do you know her hair color is auburn?"
Her student replied, "Because that's what it says on the box."
~~
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”
Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
~~
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “This woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet............................The floor’s still wet.”
~~
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared. “Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
~~
I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared,
“Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
~~
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
~~
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I
was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
~~
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
~~
I’m driving with this guy, and
he runs right through a Stop sign. So
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming the other way.”
~~
My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k.
The
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen.
Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try.
Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we
just call it a duck?”
~~
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training.
Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down,
she threw her arms in the air
and yelled in excitement,
“I went potty all by myself. Now I can
go to Harvard!”
~~
“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,”
he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
~~
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
~~
My 11-year-old grandson spent
a beautiful Saturday playing video games.
His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
~~
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
~~
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so
stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
~~
A Scottish mother visits her
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Michael?”
“Mother,” says Michael, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh my word Michael! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
~~
“Has your diet changed?”
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's August! We're getting through the heat.
I'm afraid August will be a bear though.
So, I don't have any real plans on my schedule......for the month.
I'm just topping out my electric bill with the AC, and staying in and chilling.
Anyway here's a few jokes for you to kick off the new month.
Have a great week everyone and stay cool.
joe
acebook
witter
Stay cool and stay safe
Fantastic laughs thankyou 
, connie 
Tasty breakfast as always 
Wishing you a Terrific day to you as well, Finally I am having my rest now yippy...take care... 
Wishing you a great day too! and so glad the hurricane pasted East of you
