> talk to woman

You ask the woman who she is. "my name is Aijov the bee-holder, dear. Do you want some honey?"

>say yes

She starts flapping her ears and a dark cloud is approaching. The cloud surrounds you and the buzzing sound deafens you. Suddenly the bees cover your entire body. A few seconds later they fly away.
You're completely covered with honey now.

>_



Bernard

> You say to the woman "You are not the Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar?" She says "no, that is my twin sister, to find her just follow the path towards the mountain" You look & see a mountain up ahead. You follow the path until you come to the foot of the mountain & you see another veiled woman resting against a tree smoking a pipe.
> Talk to woman. Ask her if she is The Hobbled Crone at the foot of Mount Cesar. She replies in an angry high-pitched gruff voice (like a man mimicking a woman) "Who are you calling a robber & I haven't got an Aunt Sheila so how would I know whether I looked like her or not!"
Take the parchment from inventory & roll it into a cone shape. Use on woman & ask her again. "Aah" she says calmly but in the same irritating voice "you must be the messenger - have you got something for me? " You hand her the 'cone' shaped parchment. She unwraps it & reads it & then says "Oh, that good for nothing lazy king - all he thinks about is his stomach. I've already given him my wok, sandwich maker, rice cooker & fondue set & he's still not satisfied. Seems that the only way we're ever going to get a new age written is to include those darn souffle ovens, unless..........

The clouds in the sky are blown away by the wind, a fool moon is showing now. "That's strange at the middle of the day!"
The woman transforms into a werebear, it puts her nose in the wind and seems to smell something. "Oh no, the honey!"
The werebear walks towards you......

>use egg shells with bear

The bear looks at the egg shells and steps back. It's in shell shock!

>say boom!

The bear runs away screaming, dropping a picnic basket and a camera.

>take basket and camera

Camera and basket taken.

>examine camera

The camera is an Olympus of the type Zeus.

>_



Bernard

>examine picnic basket

You examine the picnic basket. Inside is a fine repast fit for a King, and a bottle of Chateau Latour 1961

>oh BOY! Drink Chateau Latour 1961

No, it's for the King, can't you read?

>inv

Inventory: 5 item(s)
Roman coins, picnic basket, a repast fit for a King, bottle of Chateau Latour 1961, camera

>go South

You head back to the market arena. The stallholders are beginning to pack up their wares, it's the end of a long day. You have nowhere to sleep tonight. It is getting cold.

>_

>look around

You look around and you see a stable to the west.

>go west

You enter the stable, there are two people there. You greet the couple. The man says "Hi, we're the Carpenters, are you a wise man?"

>say yes

You confirm you are a wise man. He asks you about gifts.

>give cold coins

The man smiles and tells you that you're really a wise man and that you're welcome. He points at a manger and says "Meet our newborn son Brian."

>ask to stay for the night

The man responds "Yeah, okay, you can sleep next to the donkey." You ask if that's not really smelly. The man says the donkey will have to get used to it.

>_



Bernard

The Carpenters keep you awake all night, singing their golden hits of yesteryear.

In the morning you are bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. You are covered in donkey hair. You have a headache from all that music.

>exit

You exit the stable. The Carpenters are sitting by a briskly crackling fire, cooking sausages. They smile at you, perhaps they are after more money.

>_

>use camera on yourself

You take a picture of yourself, when you look at the display you see that your eyes are really red. Fortunately the camera has a red eye correction tool. You use the tool and you see your eyes look OK again. The name Zeus on the camera intrigues you, could it be a code?

>use phone

You have the phone in your hand.

>dial 555-9387 and press connect

Again you're caught in a vortex, when you can see clearly again, you see you're at the top of a mountain, there's a man creating thunderbolts. It reminds you of the time you accidently left your fork in the microwave oven.

>_



Bernard

"Are you Vulcan?" you ask the man creating the thunderbolts. He turns to you, spreads his hand in an odd gesture and says: "Live long, and prosper."

>Take picture of Live Long and Prosper.

Insufficient information.

>Take picture of Vulcan.

Don't recognize Vulcan.

>Take picture of Spock.

Don't recognize Spock.

>Take picture of Zeus.

The universe implodes.

YOU HAVE DIED. SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE.

POINT TOTAL: 423 Zorkmids

STATUS: Ultimate Villain

Baffled you look at your monitor, what caused this unexpected ending?
The credits role by, Suddenly the screen goes blank and a new message appears!

You're in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. The waiter asks you what you want to order.

>order a burger, a glass and a corkscrew

After 15 minutes the waiter serves you the order.

>use corkscrew with bottle of wine

The corkscrew does what it has to do, it screws up the cork.

>_



Bernard

Examine screwed up cork.

The cork now resembles the letter "Z." You wonder, is someone trying to tell you something? You gesture for the waiter, but he has left the room. Instead, a waitress comes to your table. She has blue skin, green hair and a perky smile.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

You hold up the cork shaped like a Z. "Does this happen to all the corks in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?" you ask.

"I think you need to speak to Zeus," she responds.

"You mean -- Zeus survived that implosion?"

"I think he said that he saw it coming and ducked," says the waitress, who for some reason sounds exactly like Nancy Drew.

"Nancy?" you ask quietly.

"Don't blow my cover" she whispers. She resumes her normal tone. "I recommend that you give Zeus the cork. He's in the kitchen. Meanwhile, here's your check." The check, when she hands it to you, seems oddly heavy.

>

Oh boy, no more money and a check with a hefty charge. How are you going to cope with that? You could run out of the restaurant and flee, but you don't have a spacecraft!

>enter kitchen

You enter the kitchen, there's a cook. He looks like Zeus, but this man is really sweaty!

>use wine with cook

You pour the wine on the cook. He thanks you for the refreshment and gives you a thumbs up.

>take thumbs

You grab the thumbs and run out of the restaurant.

>use thumb with passing space-yacht

The yacht stops and beams you aboard. The captain says his name is Nemo and he asks you where you want to go.

>_


Bernard

I pity any poor fool who would try writing a walkthrough for this bonkers game.

You have now the following options to answer to Nemo....
1) Atlantis
2) Egypt
3) Prague
4) England

>answer Prague

He asks you if it's a city on that third rock from the sun. Yes!
I can take you there, it's one of the few places that isn't destroyed when the Intergalactic Highway was constructed. He starts to play his organ, it sounds a little weird. As he stops playing he looks up to you and says he will beam you down now.

You're on a bridge in Prague, there's a painter painting a portrait. There are statues on both sides of the bridge.

>_



Bernard

Examine the right most statue... You were ready to go when suddenly you realize there is something written on the base of the statue... You look now more carefully and you read "George was here" and below that "so's Nicole"...
Try to turn the statue.... Turn in once. Go now to the left statue and do the same... Suddenly a hole is open in the middle of the bridge and a spiral staircase starting to show up...

Go down????

>talk to painter

You approach the painter. "Good evening. I'm looking for a lady named Barbleorbera, I believe she may have passed this way?"

The painter pauses in mid brush-stroke. "Now, what would you be wanting with sweet Barbleorbera? Does she owe you money?"

"No, she doesn't owe me money," you reply, "but I'd be perfectly willing to accept some. I'm a bit broke at the moment."

At that very moment, a tall lady in a red ballgown and flowing black satin cape swishes over the bridge towards you.

>wave to Barbleorbera

The lady ignores you.

>jump up and down and gesticulate madly to Barbleorbera

The lady backs away with an expression of fear on her face. Just what are you trying to do here?

>_

Hmmm..., it was just another lady in red!

>go down

You head towards the opening but the heat and the scent of sulphur stops you. "Yeah, I will go down...., when hell freezes over!"

>talk to painter

"Could you lend me your ear?" He answers "Sure I can, I just cut it off!" He hands over the ear.

>use ear with sky

First there's a moment of silence, then you here "I've got a message for you big boy."

>look behind you

Behind you is the lady in red, she gives you a telegram.

>_



Bernard

>Examine telegram.

The telegram is yellow, with faint printing on it. Across the top you see the words: "Frobozz Pony Express: For When Your Message Absolutely, Positively MUST Get Through!"

>Read telegram.

"Dear AFGNCAAP:

Proceed immediately to Port Foozle. Do not pass Go. Do not stop to play Go. Do not speak to Vincent van Gogh. Tell Jack that I said hello when you see him."

>Talk to lady in red.

"How do I get to Port Foozle?" you ask her.

She hands you a 3D laser diagram full of intricate paths, dastardly machinery and colorful symbols.

"Here is a map of RHEM," she says. "Port Foozle is on the other side. A train leaves for there in half an hour.

There is a glint of mischief in her eye.

>

>use laser diagram with Vincent.

He replies "Starry, starry nights! I've seen this before, a singer showed me be had done me clean. Go the graveyard in the land of OS."

>Go graveyard

You walk towards the graveyard, behind you, you hear Vincent hum "Bye bye, Miss American pie."
You're at the gates of the graveyard, there's a gravedigger.

>talk to gravedigger

The gravedigger says his name is Bill and keeps on digging.

>look tombstones

On the tombstones are some weird names: Commodore, Mac, Apricot, Pineapple, Acorn, Sinclair, Amiga and so on and so on....
There's an apple tree.

>pick apple

You take a nice fresh, juicy apple.

>offer apple to Bill

Bill looks at you with disgust in his eyes. "Please throw that away, I don't like apples!". You realize this is not only a gravedigger but a grave robber as well!

>_



Bernard

> Ask Bill about trashcan

"What? In a graveyard?" says Bill. "I don't care, just throw it in that well over there!"

> Throw apple in well

The well is too far away.

> Go to well.

You are standing in a graveyard, next to an old well. You cannot see the bottom. To the south is Bill and a large apple tree.

> Throw apple in well

Done.

>inv

Your increasingly schizophrenic inventory currently contains: 2 disemboweled red herrings, a piece of cork, a pocket sword, a maxed gold credit card, the head of Medusa, a bottle opener, a pair of glasses, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, a burnt cork, a thorn, a charred whip, a hat, a small piece of tin foil, a disposable BBQ tray, a clipper lighter, a recipe book, 2 lemons, a computer disk, an orb, a miraculous magnifying glass you pulled out of thin air from somewhere on page 3, an equally magical broom, a needle, a piece of brie, a gun with 2 bullets remaining, some grenades, 3 cents, a chewing gum packet, a mobile phone, and a map.

>Save game

Game saved.

>Throw herring into well

I don't understand "herring"

>Throw red herring into well

You have 2 red herrings. How many do you throw?

> 2

You throw the 2 red herrings into the well.

> throw cork into well

You throw the piece of cork into the well.

> Throw inventory into well

I don't understand "inventory"

> Throw everything into well.

I don't understand "everything"

> Throw anything into well

I don't understand "anything"

> Haha.

I don't understand "Haha"

> Throw all items into well

You throw the entire contents of your inventory into the well. After a few moments you begin to wonder if that was a good idea. Then, slowly, a beautiful woman rises up out of the middle of the well. She is holding a bronze credit card.

"Is this yours?" she asks.

>no

The woman holds up a silver credit card. "Is this yours?"

>no

"Well then, at least you're honest." The woman holds up a gold credit card. "Is this yours?"

> yes

"I don't like liars!" the woman shouts, and disappears.

> _

This thread has been completely hilarious!

Bill quietly sneaks into the scene. He whispers "What are you?" You answer you're an eXperienced Player. He tells you he has a special drug for you, called Special Pill 3. Ït's the last time we made a cure for people like you!" he says.

>accept pill

You take the pill from Bill
"You like tough adventures, don't you?" You nod your head. He gives you a shiny, round silver disc, the word Vysta is printed on it. He walks away mumbling: "Well, this must be our farewell, I hope you feel well here at the well, I'll send you the bill later!"

>examine disc

You study the disc, there's a hole in the middle, some bugs are creeping out. You get mesmerized by the colours the disc is reflecting. You are sucked into the hole. Slooooooooooowly you are travelling through time and space. Hours later you gain conscience again, you're in a snowy, icy landscape. A strange looking dog(?) is barking at you.

>_


Bernard

>save game

Unable to comply.

>save game within game

GAME WITHIN GAME SAVED

>use head of Medusa on dog

You no longer carry head of Medusa.

>pat dog

The dog's name is not Pat.

>give dog a pat

You no longer carry a Pat.

>Never mind

You are now in Never World. Since a never mind created it, there are no rules and nothing actually exists.

>exit never mind

Not so fast. You still have something to accomplish in the Never World.

>

A robot is standing behind you, he looks to be injured. He speaks softly :"IIII'mmmmm tttthhhee Llloorrrddd Oooo'Ssscccaarrrrssss." He offers you a key.

>use key with robot

The robot turns around and you insert the key into his back.

>turn key

You turn the key a few times and the robot is starting to move quicker!

He turns around again and smiles at you. "Hi there, I'm an automaton not a robot, my name is Lord O'Scars. Are you willing to do something for me? I'm in a hurry, you know, I have a train to catch!" He hands you an envelope. "Could you post this for me?" You take the envelope. The Lord O'Scars runs away. You hear the sound of a train in the distance.

>examine envelope

Somebody wrote "Return to sender." on it.

>use disc with envelope

You put the disc in the envelope.

>use dog with envelope

The envelope is sealed now. One thing remains to be done: deliver the letter.

>_



Bernard

Deliver letter.

Please specify recipient.

>Deliver letter to I don't know.

YOU HAVE DIED FROM A LACK OF IMAGINATION. Just kidding. Try again.

>Deliver letter to Antharia Jack.

Antharia Jack lives in another world -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to Jack the Kipper.

Jack the Kipper lives in the Underworld -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to ghost of dead pirate.

Jack Sparrow lives in Hollywood -- no can do.

>Deliver letter to Vincent van Gogh.

Which version of Vincent van Gogh?

>Never World Vincent van Gogh.

There are 313 versions of Vincent van Gogh in the Never World. Specify which one.

>Deliver letter to Vincent van Gogh Action Figure.

The scene around you changes. No longer are you shivering with the cold. You are in a city at night. Light spills from the windows and doors of nearby buildings. Above you, the stars are white swirls with gold centers. The Vincent Van Gogh action figure is standing in front of you. He has a palette in one hand, and an extra head (bandage over missing ear) in the other.

>