What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
—@Suddain-
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Retirement sing along to the tune of:
'My Favourite Things' You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning, Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings- When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim, I simply remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel... so bad.
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Another Funny Retirement StoryWe are led to believe that the following job application is a real one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. Word is that they have employed him. We have changed the name to protect the guilty. NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy [blip]].
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a cr*ap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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You Can't Keep a Good Old'un DownRosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.' Retirement stories - You can't keep a good old 'un down 'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered. 'Yes.' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye. Rosa took the two eggs home. Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old'un down.
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Vintage Classifed Adverts
Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona. Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.
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Classic ProposalMaurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only yesterday Maurice plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. Edna smiled and replied, 'Alright.' Maurice asked softly, 'Will you marry me?' Delighted, Edna answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Maurice what his second question was. He replied, 'Edna, will you please help me to get up?'
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Same Class?While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'In 1971. Why?'
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you teach?'
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Funny Old GoatA group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.
Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'
One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours in France.'
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Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, a nuther 20 jokes.
Plus a few lame comments from yours truly.
Here's one. I was reading earlier that Carrie Underwood has named her new son
Adorable.
Yeah, here's the headline:
Carrie Underwood Welcomes Baby Number Two—and His Name Is AdorableSheesh! Now I ask you, what kid wants to go through life with a name like that?
That's worse than a boy named Sue.
Maybe she plans to write a song about it.
'How do you do! My name is Adorable!' The world is an interesting place to say the least.
Have an interesting day everyone.
joe