"Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you."
A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.” The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
Daughter: Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mum: I don’t know dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.
To Mum: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, Can I have…, Where are you?
To Dad: Where’s Mum?
Bought my Mum a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
Mother to son: I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”
Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day?
So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on Mum.
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Son: When is Mother’s Day Dad?
Dad wearily unplugging the vacuum, “Every day son, every day.”
A mother is trying to get her son to eat carrots. “Carrots are good for your eyes,” she says.
“How do you know?” the son asks.
The mother replies, “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”
Definiton: Jumper – something you wear when your mother gets cold.
Mum: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through 3 closed doors in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away… while Daddy snores next to you.
“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?”
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I go bungee jumping?” The mom says “No, you were born from broken rubber and I don’t want you to go out the same way!”
Chris: Why is a computer so smart?
Mom: It listens to its motherboard.
I already posted once today. In doing so I took the words right out of my mouth.
I also let the fact that it's Mother's Day go right over my head.
Not hard to do considering where my head's been.
So Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there.
And with that I present your new diner and wish everyone a happy safe week ahead.